Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
