I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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