Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
