Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
