Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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