sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Drunk is a universal language darling
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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