i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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