I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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