You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
