I can't breathe out the right side of my face
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
