the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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