I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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