Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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