how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
