RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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