So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
