Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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