i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize