I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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