Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
