no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
