I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize