He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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