I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
