You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
