i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
