really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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