Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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