You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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