Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
