im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
