she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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