His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
