The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
