Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
