My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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