I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
