i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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