shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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