looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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