I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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