theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Blood and glitter go together right?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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