Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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