I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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