I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
