wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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