I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
