yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
