I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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