Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
