I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
