i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
