I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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