Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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