You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
