do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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