On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
