That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
