my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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