There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize